It’s Day 1, And I’m Terrified

“I’m all alone.”

“My spouse/partner left me.”

“My kids won’t talk to me.”

“I lost my job.” 

“I’m about to lose my law license.”

“I’m ashamed.”

“I hate myself.”

“I want to die.”

These may be familiar thoughts and feelings to those who have stopped drinking with a slew of personal and professional wreckage in the rearview mirror. I’m certainly no stranger to some of them.  

When I began my recovery journey in 2007, the first days were brutal. My girlfriend moved out. I  was too ashamed to reach out to the people who loved me. The mental projection was off the charts. I created an intense but imaginary scenario where my family would tell me that they wanted nothing to do with me. I sat alone in my apartment with my dog and cat. 

Of course, I went through all the rituals of getting rid of all my booze and deleting my cocaine dealer’s phone number — like I didn’t have it memorized. I went to my first 12-step meetings, but the process didn’t relieve my anxiety. I listened to stories, wondering if I would ever be able to look in the mirror and love myself without being drunk or high. Would I ever be loved again by anyone? I was too deep in despair to know that the people close to me never stopped.

Finally, about a week into my recovery, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I went to my father’s house across the street (yes, he lived across the street from me) and cried like a baby on his couch, unloading decades of pain and shame he had never heard about. He didn’t judge. He didn’t shame me. He wrapped his arms around me and cried. He said, “Move in with me, and we will get through this together.” I did. 

I was lucky. I have a close family. That’s a privilege. My father hadn’t been drawn into my struggle. Hearing it for the first time, he had not been beaten down. I was lucky in that regard. I had a village outside of my room.

That early support was the core of my making it through those first tough days without calling my dealer or hitting the liquor store. Don’t sit at home in the dark staring at the walls. Create a list of people who will listen. Who will sit on your couch? Who will grab a late-night cup of coffee? They are probably there. You just stopped calling. I know, I did. You just stopped calling. 

Brian Cuban is an attorney, author, and advocate for mental health awareness and recovery.   He has spoken at law firms, conferences, non-profit events, colleges, and universities across the United States and Canada. He also writes extensively on these subjects. His books, columns, and quotes have appeared on CNN.com, Foxnews.com, The Huffington Post, The New York Times, and online and print newspapers worldwide.

He is also the author of the best-selling book The Addicted Lawyer, Tales of The Bar, Booze Blow & Redemption. His debut novel, The Ambulance Chaser, was released as the #1-selling debut paperback thriller. His follow-up crime thriller, The Body Brokers is now available wherever books are sold and at www.briancuban.com.

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