The Light Load: I for one will not starve if tariffs fry Canadian ‘bacon’

Wherever you fine folks stand on the Tariff Terror allegedly coming down the trade pike, can we all agree there’s a silver lining if the U.S. slaps Truckasaurus-grade levies on every import from Spain to Sumatra?

Oh, I don’t mean the economics of it. We may be huddling in mud shacks or lounging in castles of gold six months from now for all the sense I can make of who stands to benefit when the tariffs hit.

But think of the frightful products that it’ll be soooo much harder to rain down on unsuspecting Americans like so many marshmallow Peeps once those goods are subject to tariff-spawned surcharges.

Here’s a smattering of the horrors that femur-snapping levies may help keep from darkening the docks of ports from Tampa to Tacoma. (Yes, some of these are also made in the U.S., but let’s not make the perfect the enemy of the good just because we can’t prevent every catastrophe.)

An Australian shiraz by the name of Yellow Tail: Pondering for a long time, my buddy Eddie held forth with remarkable restraint: “I just don’t find the taste agreeable.” In a less subtle post at Sublime Imbibing, a critic laments, “It reminds me of a glass of wine cut with a tablespoon of corn syrup. … [I]t feels like my mouth has been fumigated with vanilla extract.” (He illustrates with images of his reluctant attempts to sniff and sip the brew.) Who will bemoan a tariff-related increase in the $7-a-bottle price tag?

The musical stylings of Gheorghe “The Great” Zamfir: If you DON’T think this auditory assault by the Romanian pan flautist par excellence should be greeted with punishing levies at U.S. shores, I have some La Toya Jackson country tunes to sell you. (In fairness, the U.S. inflicted the musical careers of La Toya AND David Hasselhoff on Europe, so maybe we deserved this one.)

Turkish delight: We can lay blame for a goodly share of imports of this repulsive “delight” at the guilty feet of Serbia, the U.K., Belgium and, yes, Turkey. Everybody already knew guilty feet are not Happy Feet. Turns out they have no sense of taste, either. You’d get more traction trying to persuade a 12-year-old to eat carrot, raisin and mayo salad at Piccadilly than this purported “candy.”

A less-than-kid-friendly product by the name of Customized Busy Board Toys: This one comes courtesy of the good people at Kindly Toys in Vietnam. Can’t imagine why the Kindly proprietors have “not been responsive” to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Administration’s request that they recall the Busy Boards, which “have small parts that can break off, posing a choking hazard to young children.” Sounds like those parts are extra “busy,” and all for the low low price of $50 a pop.

Canadian “bacon”: It’s not that this is so terribly awful to eat. But it gives me the same feeling I get when I run out of juice glasses, pour OJ in a coffee mug and later take a sip. Having forgotten it’s Tropicana rather than Eight O’Clock, I sling the mug across the kitchen in a panic, wondering who spiked my coffee with citrus. Try hard not to think “bacon” if you insist on eating Canadian “bacon.” Think tougher-than-necessary ham, and you won’t be far off. And who needs pork foodstuffs with split personality disorder? “Give me ham or give me bacon (or give me death),” say I, but don’t mess with Mr. In-Between.

The Rotato: The video promoting this Chinese-manufactured device for peeling spuds notes that it comes with a “handy thumb knife for potato eyes/fruit blemishes.” In other words, you still have to do the work of getting rid of the bad spots yourself before you can place what better be a fairly perfectly shaped tuber in this device. Translation: You get to spend a lot of time doing the work anyway, and there’s more cleanup when you’re done than if you had stuck with a peeler.

Now pop me some Indiana-grown Orville Redenbacher and let’s enjoy the ride.

The Light Load is an occasional look at the world of transportation and logistics through the eyes of an industry greenhorn.

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