Please Provide 5 Bullet Points Of Your Lawyer/Law Student Accomplishments Last Week

Good morning. As some of you may be aware, last night President Trump signed an Executive Order designating Above the Law as a new agency to stamp out waste in the legal industry. Our new designation, the Bureau of Inefficient Legal Levies or BILL, will act along with the DOJ as a parallel institution of personal lawyers implementing the vision for lawyerly efficiency as outlined by President Trump. Apologies… as you are also aware, per another order last night that should read “as outlined by His Most Serene Excellency, Last King Of Scotland’s Golf Courses, and Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and the Gulf of America in Particular President Trump.”

Lawyers billing $3000 an hour? Associates refusing to do work? Law students letting trying to get out of tests just because — boohoo, “I’m giving birth today”? In my day we billed $700 an hour to write memos about the best lunch spots while answering an issue-spotter for our Sex Discrimination Law course when we were 10 centimeter dilated AND WE LIKED IT!

That’s why you likely received this email from our department:

Send your responses to tips@abovethelaw.com (ed. note: we’ll keep you anonymous). Failure to do so will result in termination.

We will have our teen interns review your work with the assistance of the latest in cutting edge AI technology developed by special government employee Elon Musk. We are assured that his algorithm has reviewed “all court cases” and understands the law better than humans do! Make sure all responses are properly Bluebooked. But only according to the 12th edition, which is what we trained the AI on.

One lawyer out there has already provided their response:

• Monday: Billed 14 hours reviewing contract for client. Client ignored my advice.
• Tuesday: Sent 87 emails. Received 312 in response.
• Wednesday: Drafted a 57-page motion. Partner replied, “Isn’t there a case that says…”
• Thursday: Attended a “mandatory wellness seminar” all day. Stayed until 4 a.m. finishing a brief.
• Friday: Explained to a family member (again) that I do not “get criminals out of jail.”

Law students fared no better. One desperate 2L posted their attempt:

• Revised Con Law outline to include the precise parameters allowing SEAL Team 6 to assassinate rivals.
• Cold-called in Torts. Blacked out.
• Cannot afford dinner. Dropped by FedSoc meeting for Chick-fil-A
• Applied to 47 summer associate jobs. Realized deadline passed in middle school.
• Spent 3 hours deciding whether to highlight in yellow or blue. Highlighted in orange.

Now this is a straight shooter with a lifetime appointment to the federal bench written all over them! This administration honors your commitment to the Federalist Society and Chick-fil-A.

We understand there has been some pushback on this initiative. For example, ABA leadership responded that “Law is an art, not a checklist and that it’s improper to reduce legal work to five points instead of six-minute increments.”

This sort of insubordination from the profession will not stand! As we speak, we are in coordination with Attorney General Bondi accepting the resignations of countless DOJ attorneys who are refusing to sign our criminal charges against the ABA for violating the Alien and Sedition Act but we’re confident at least one of them will sign eventually.

The clock is ticking. Let’s Make Law Great Again, people!

Seriously though we think a lot of you will come up with some great lists. Send your most ridiculous to us and we’ll feature some of the best.

Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter or Bluesky if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.

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