My Sobriety Itself Is Almost Old Enough To Drink

This week, I’ll have 18 years of continuous abstinence from alcohol and cocaine. No less important is that I have not binged and purged (bulimia) in the same amount of time. Yes, guys do get eating disorders. 

At 47, I walked into the rooms of 12-step crying, scared, and ashamed.

I often laugh at the interaction with my therapist that same day when I finally got honest with him about my struggles. Why would I lie to my therapist? Simple. Shame knows no hourly rate.  

He asked me if I would consider in-patient treatment. My ego was way too bloated to believe it. I told him I was too busy as a lawyer to consider that option. Who would handle my cases? The reality? What cases? I had no clients left. My practice was dead and buried. He then suggested 12-step. “There’s a meeting next door. Let’s cut our sessions short. Head on over there now.”

I said, “No can do. I see alcoholics smoking out front every day. I’m a nonsmoker. That second-hand smoke will kill you.” Yep, I really said that. 

I left and walked over to the meeting, terrified that someone there would recognize me. When I finally pushed through the doors, my fears were confirmed. It seemed like half the people in the room were lawyers I knew. No one laughed or pointed, but there were some nods of recognition. I sat in the corner crying. The chair was hard blue plastic. I fixated my eyes on a floor stain so I didn’t have to look at anyone, wondering how my life had come to that moment. The thoughts were muddled, but one was persistent. If sitting in that room would allow me to wake up one morning, walk to the bathroom in my birthday suit naked, look in the mirror, and love what I saw without the aid of cocaine or booze, I’d sit. In my mid-40s, I had never experienced that type of authentic self-love, only self-loathing. It had begun. 

To celebrate 18, my wife and I are headed to Vegas to see the Eagles. There was a time when the only thing I’d be doing in Vegas was massive amounts of blow.  

Recovery is possible. 

Brian Cuban is an attorney, author, and advocate for mental health awareness and recovery.   He has spoken at law firms, conferences, non-profit events, colleges, and universities across the United States and Canada. He also writes extensively on these subjects. His books, columns, and quotes have appeared on CNN.com, Foxnews.com, The Huffington Post, The New York Times, and online and print newspapers worldwide. He is also the author of the best-selling book The Addicted Lawyer, Tales of The Bar, Booze Blow & Redemption. His debut novel, The Ambulance Chaser, was released as the #1-selling debut paperback thriller. His follow-up crime thriller, The Body Brokers is now available wherever books are sold and at www.briancuban.com.

The post My Sobriety Itself Is Almost Old Enough To Drink appeared first on Above the Law.